10-29-2011, 01:07 AM
First: no need to worry about gerunds, as there are none. 
I began by wondering whether you had not started with the idea of using a regular meter, then missed a bit, then decided that it was not worth the candle. The first two lines are iambic pentameter, you see, and a bit of adjustment to the next (eg 'a-weighing', or 'that's weighing') would have made that line likewise.
I thought the description of the onset of the storm was superb, and I liked the conversational tone. Probably would be better not to repeat the 'oppressive'. I thought the language natural, as from someone who by nature speaks colorfully. Very nice read.
This bit, I ,meant, by 'onset'
Sleepy drains, taken by surprise,
swallowed, then disgorged the rain again
to gush in torrents down arid streets,
bringing relief from summer's heat.
- As quickly as it came, it went
I began by wondering whether you had not started with the idea of using a regular meter, then missed a bit, then decided that it was not worth the candle. The first two lines are iambic pentameter, you see, and a bit of adjustment to the next (eg 'a-weighing', or 'that's weighing') would have made that line likewise.
I thought the description of the onset of the storm was superb, and I liked the conversational tone. Probably would be better not to repeat the 'oppressive'. I thought the language natural, as from someone who by nature speaks colorfully. Very nice read.
This bit, I ,meant, by 'onset'
Sleepy drains, taken by surprise,
swallowed, then disgorged the rain again
to gush in torrents down arid streets,
bringing relief from summer's heat.
- As quickly as it came, it went