On Eggshells:
#4
(10-18-2011, 05:21 PM)billy Wrote:  A worth of monuments is naught: To break the yoke! --this feels like it should 'the' instead of 'A'
The soldiers gave, till death they fought to break the yoke. --odd syntax. Maybe 'the soldiers fought and gave their lives to break the yoke

Them Niggers always on the march like army ants. -- I have reservations about 'nigger' but it's probably a local thing
Enduring pain in hope, they sought to break the yoke.

Will Arab spring be dry above the desert son?
Can dictators all; be tried, brought to break the yoke? -- 'DICtat-tors' seems to start a ripple in the meter of this line. The stresses wind up falling in odd places after it: 'be' instead of 'tried'

Sweatshops in down town New York! Do they still exist? --'down town' might be better in it's American (and specifically New York) version 'downtown' IMO
Reebok, Nike, others; they ought to break the yoke.

And what of us, are we confined to merely watch?
Can we be called to give a thought to break the yoke?
Where I'm from, even in a 'break the yoke' kind of poem 'nigger' is a no-no. That being said props for being brave enough to put it out there. I'm assuming 'them' in front of it supposed to reflect the ignorance of the name caller but if not it should be 'those'.

NIke and REEbok are trochaic, so that line feels a little odd. I love how you included several kinds of injustice instead of making this a one dimensional look at one set of people's problems

A solid ghazal but I couldn't find your sig. Thanks for sharing.

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Messages In This Thread
On Eggshells: - by billy - 10-18-2011, 05:21 PM
RE: On Eggshells: - by Philatone - 10-19-2011, 05:55 AM
RE: On Eggshells: - by billy - 10-19-2011, 06:04 AM
RE: On Eggshells: - by Wildcard - 10-20-2011, 02:13 AM
RE: On Eggshells: - by billy - 10-20-2011, 05:37 AM
RE: On Eggshells: - by addy - 10-20-2011, 11:04 AM
RE: On Eggshells: - by billy - 10-24-2011, 12:29 PM



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