On Eggshells:
#2
ey billy
here are my thoughts (great title for the piece, by the way)


(10-18-2011, 05:21 PM)billy Wrote:  A worth of monuments is naught: To break the yoke! ..I kept coming back to this line as I read the poem. Just something about the "naught"; I want to critique it. The line has a great flow, so it was easy for me to pass. I guess I just disagree with it? Shouldn't a monument be worth something? Doesn't it symbolize the very thing this poem is discussing: changing the world to a degree? I figure I must be missing something.
The soldiers gave, till death they fought to break the yoke.

Them Niggers always on the march like army ants. ...great tone, set by the word choice
Enduring pain in hope, they sought to break the yoke.

Will Arab spring be dry above the desert son? ..I have ideas...but nothing certain..
Can dictators all; be tried, brought to break the yoke? ..the refrain of sorts really works well here to capture something that could easily become cliche

Sweatshops in down town New York! Do they still exist? ..I will admit that the rhythm threw me off a bit on the question. I guess in a way, though, I found it appropriate, what with the tones switching. Not sure if it's too much of a distraction or not just yet
Reebok, Nike, others; they ought to break the yoke. ..really liked this line. it really feels separate from the rest of the poem, making the critique even stronger because those companies don't fit in

And what of us, are we confined to merely watch?
Can we be called to give a thought to break the yoke?
..I got distracted with the "give a thought". something feels a little off to me here, but I'm not sure what just yet.
nicely done, great word choice, fun to read. hope this is helpful

Written only for you to consider.
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Messages In This Thread
On Eggshells: - by billy - 10-18-2011, 05:21 PM
RE: On Eggshells: - by Philatone - 10-19-2011, 05:55 AM
RE: On Eggshells: - by billy - 10-19-2011, 06:04 AM
RE: On Eggshells: - by Wildcard - 10-20-2011, 02:13 AM
RE: On Eggshells: - by billy - 10-20-2011, 05:37 AM
RE: On Eggshells: - by addy - 10-20-2011, 11:04 AM
RE: On Eggshells: - by billy - 10-24-2011, 12:29 PM



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