10-17-2011, 01:38 AM
This may not be a final revision but I attempted to incorporate all of your suggestions and changed the poem accordingly. I appreciate everyone's honesty. Feel free to be brutal in stating whether it is working better...or if, for any reason, something feels worse,
Sid
I sort of liked the idea of confusing the tenses, in the same way there is always a bit of underlying confusion; losing track of time, in such situations, no matter how well planned.
In the end, all of you were right about this suggestion. Jack said it best: It “clangs” :-)
Was simply attempting another word-play: It failed—it goes…was sort of clunky anyway.
I did ponder this, Phil, but in the end, understanding I was already giving away a lot by this point, a signature would have exceeded even that.
In my mind, “gifts” establishes the correlation in word-play. Thus, I felt it was necessary, though it could possibly be stated better, somehow. I will continue to play with variations.
Last Christmas (Revised...for now)
Careful plans; a final phase.
On custom stationary leaves
complete directives that he wrote,
Guard your mother's wedding veil,
check the safe deposit box,
cancel all my future mail…
Through each of these Holy Days
He gave the grand-kids extra candy,
kisses with a little note--
his presence.
Wrapped beneath the tree,
gifts where each would easily see.
Now, in the car
within his closed garage--
leans back, relaxes,
turns the key.
Sid
Quote:..present tense "leaves" threw me off. could it be past tense, or is this something that needs to be emphasized as happening right now? I think it would still work in the past, saving the present for the last stanza. just my opinion, of course
I sort of liked the idea of confusing the tenses, in the same way there is always a bit of underlying confusion; losing track of time, in such situations, no matter how well planned.
Quote:enumerating in detail: ...is this line necessary?
In the end, all of you were right about this suggestion. Jack said it best: It “clangs” :-)
Quote:check inside my safe deposit box, Is "inside" needed?
Was simply attempting another word-play: It failed—it goes…was sort of clunky anyway.
Quote:just an idea; how about a line about his signature? i was curious how he closed this letter. of course, only a suggestion. i do like this section on his note.
I did ponder this, Phil, but in the end, understanding I was already giving away a lot by this point, a signature would have exceeded even that.
Quote:each of their gifts where they would see. is this line necessary
In my mind, “gifts” establishes the correlation in word-play. Thus, I felt it was necessary, though it could possibly be stated better, somehow. I will continue to play with variations.
Last Christmas (Revised...for now)
Careful plans; a final phase.
On custom stationary leaves
complete directives that he wrote,
Guard your mother's wedding veil,
check the safe deposit box,
cancel all my future mail…
Through each of these Holy Days
He gave the grand-kids extra candy,
kisses with a little note--
his presence.
Wrapped beneath the tree,
gifts where each would easily see.
Now, in the car
within his closed garage--
leans back, relaxes,
turns the key.