10-16-2011, 01:20 PM
Thank you all for suggestions and honesty, each one touching on points that were problematic in the piece. I know it is not a particularly strong write, beginning mainly as an experiment in rhyme and word-play. I kept it in my “shoebox” over the years, pulling it out now and then to see if I could somehow salvage it.
I suppose I tried too hard to maintain similar rhyme scheme between the two strophes, sacrificing crisper words in the process. “Enumerating” was a last minute change, along with words in the preceding line. I will probably eliminate the line to simplify it as per suggestions. Leanne, you are correct about “stationery.” That is the trouble with relying too much on Word Editor. It picks out word misspellings by not proper usage. Thank you.
A surprise is not something I was going for in this. I wanted to imply preparations, believing not everyone contemplating such a “way out” intends to leave behind a mess, though it seems this is almost always the case. I will take suggestions to heart and very much appreciate all of you taking time to comment. Thanks again,
Sid
I suppose I tried too hard to maintain similar rhyme scheme between the two strophes, sacrificing crisper words in the process. “Enumerating” was a last minute change, along with words in the preceding line. I will probably eliminate the line to simplify it as per suggestions. Leanne, you are correct about “stationery.” That is the trouble with relying too much on Word Editor. It picks out word misspellings by not proper usage. Thank you.
A surprise is not something I was going for in this. I wanted to imply preparations, believing not everyone contemplating such a “way out” intends to leave behind a mess, though it seems this is almost always the case. I will take suggestions to heart and very much appreciate all of you taking time to comment. Thanks again,
Sid