10-16-2011, 12:35 PM
Hi Sid,
A very sad poem, sir. Though the way it closed made me feel as peaceful as the man in the car. The part about the 'prescence' I took as a play on 'presents' and I don't think that plays well, but perhaps you meant something else entirely. I would say that the 'headlines' kind of take away from the poem. Without the colon, L1 is still strong. L8 doesn't seem to be helping (you get the Holy/holiday thing from the tree/gift/wrapped later)
I love the last two lines. I'll admit I didn't see it coming as clearly as Leanne, but when he got in the car . . .
(don't call me stupid. on the second read I saw the 'stop my mail' part and thought 'how did I miss that?')
Great work as always. Thanks for sharing.
A very sad poem, sir. Though the way it closed made me feel as peaceful as the man in the car. The part about the 'prescence' I took as a play on 'presents' and I don't think that plays well, but perhaps you meant something else entirely. I would say that the 'headlines' kind of take away from the poem. Without the colon, L1 is still strong. L8 doesn't seem to be helping (you get the Holy/holiday thing from the tree/gift/wrapped later)
I love the last two lines. I'll admit I didn't see it coming as clearly as Leanne, but when he got in the car . . .
(don't call me stupid. on the second read I saw the 'stop my mail' part and thought 'how did I miss that?')Great work as always. Thanks for sharing.