10-16-2011, 11:55 AM
(10-16-2011, 02:53 AM)ICSoria Wrote: All year he planned the final phase:I love the final rhyme of "see" and "key".
On custom stationary, leaves This tripped me up. Because of the comma I thought you meant "leaves" as in leaves on the trees. How about: "On custom stationary he leaves"?
complete directives that he wrote,
enumerating in detail: "Enumerating" clangs a bit here. Something more informal like "totting up" might work.
Guard your mother's wedding veil,
check inside my safe deposit box, Is "inside" needed?
cancel all my future mail…
Throughout these final Holy Days:
He gave the grand-kids extra candy;
kisses with a little note--
his presence. This confuses me. Do you mean his presence was the note he left them, making this a metaphor? Wrapped beneath the tree,
each of their gifts where they would see.
Now, in the car within his closed garage--
leans back, relaxes, turns the key.
ICSoria
Leaving aside the nits I've mentioned this is a fine poem. I like how small details go noticed - safe deposit boxes, candy - often in poems about suicide mawkish grandiosity takes over.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe