10-16-2011, 07:52 AM
Sid, this is terribly sad -- for me the impact was slightly lessened because I saw what was coming right at the outset but I'm not sure how to make it more of a surprise, or even if you'd want to. Having the anticipation through the entire piece is not a bad thing. (should it be "stationery"?)
I'm not convinced that "enumerating" is the right word, unless the points are in a numbered list which isn't entirely clear -- you could probably do without that line entirely, come to think of it, it's implied by the one before it.
Like the presence/presents play, and the relaxing in the last line, which makes this quite gentle and decisive rather than an act of desperation. It certainly is an emotive little piece.
I'm not convinced that "enumerating" is the right word, unless the points are in a numbered list which isn't entirely clear -- you could probably do without that line entirely, come to think of it, it's implied by the one before it.
Like the presence/presents play, and the relaxing in the last line, which makes this quite gentle and decisive rather than an act of desperation. It certainly is an emotive little piece.
It could be worse