10-13-2011, 11:11 AM
(10-13-2011, 06:13 AM)AvariciousApathist Wrote: bitter fog mingles with tilted stones Is "bitter" needed? "Fog" seems atmospheric enough. (Be wary of using too many adjectives.) I like how the stones are tilted.I'd recommend removing all punctuation. Unless you plan on using them consistently, like you would with prose, they tend to confuse the rhythm. Otherwise a great poem. Dense and lyrical for such a short piece. Thanks for introducing me to the word "Stygian"!
whose worn inscriptions
chuckle at strangers Great stuff. Chuckling inscriptions is nicely original.
for within my sarcophagus "Sarcophagus" is one of my favourite words![]()
tasting petulance,
feral urges loiter
summoned to the dance,
I slip into the Stygian
like cool, clean sheets
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe


