10-13-2011, 04:47 AM
hey heslopian
I appreciate the feedback! I would like some clarification on a few things. I'm going to break this down stanza by stanza according to comments.
S. 1. Would it resonate better with you if I removed the question mark and left it open?
S. 2.I didn't intend the "with" to mean "by means of" here; rather going for a meaning closer to, for example, "a shirt sewn with buttons"--in this latter case, a shirt is not literally stitched together by buttons, but rather includes them. if that meaning isn't clear enough, I can search for an alternate expression
S. 3 I do like the suggestion of "wound", but I would miss the /t/ sounds. I could replace "trees" with "wind." I am curious about "turn" being "ambiguous." Does it imply something like "steering" to much, rather than something like the twisting of a knob?
S. 4. In these stanzas so far, I was trying to break down what I thought were common metaphors for birds; if that intention wasn't clear, I can certainly try to make that stronger. This gets important when considering the last stanza.
S. 6. I was trying to have a conversational tone here. I thought a single "no" would be a little too strong. I imagined having this kind of a conversation with another person; a "no, no" just feels softer to me than an outright "No." If it makes no difference to the reader though, it would appear excessive for sure.
S. 8. The previous stanza I intended to show the lack of a single fixed address, playing on a bird's migration. the similarity between birds and man was more on the houses, comparing them to nests, how each has to build (or have built) his residence.
S. 9. I agree it would be more concise, but if I replaced it with "familiar", I feel then people would be more drawn to the similarities and not think about the differences. The differences are important-man can never be a bird.
S. 10 relates to S's 4 and 5.
These were my own thoughts with the piece, and obviously they did not mesh well with your own. It means that my message may not have been clear enough. Having written these questions for you, I hope we can clarify it to make it a more accessible poem that correctly captures what it was intended to do. Thanks for your thoughts!
I appreciate the feedback! I would like some clarification on a few things. I'm going to break this down stanza by stanza according to comments.
S. 1. Would it resonate better with you if I removed the question mark and left it open?
S. 2.I didn't intend the "with" to mean "by means of" here; rather going for a meaning closer to, for example, "a shirt sewn with buttons"--in this latter case, a shirt is not literally stitched together by buttons, but rather includes them. if that meaning isn't clear enough, I can search for an alternate expression
S. 3 I do like the suggestion of "wound", but I would miss the /t/ sounds. I could replace "trees" with "wind." I am curious about "turn" being "ambiguous." Does it imply something like "steering" to much, rather than something like the twisting of a knob?
S. 4. In these stanzas so far, I was trying to break down what I thought were common metaphors for birds; if that intention wasn't clear, I can certainly try to make that stronger. This gets important when considering the last stanza.
S. 6. I was trying to have a conversational tone here. I thought a single "no" would be a little too strong. I imagined having this kind of a conversation with another person; a "no, no" just feels softer to me than an outright "No." If it makes no difference to the reader though, it would appear excessive for sure.
S. 8. The previous stanza I intended to show the lack of a single fixed address, playing on a bird's migration. the similarity between birds and man was more on the houses, comparing them to nests, how each has to build (or have built) his residence.
S. 9. I agree it would be more concise, but if I replaced it with "familiar", I feel then people would be more drawn to the similarities and not think about the differences. The differences are important-man can never be a bird.
S. 10 relates to S's 4 and 5.
These were my own thoughts with the piece, and obviously they did not mesh well with your own. It means that my message may not have been clear enough. Having written these questions for you, I hope we can clarify it to make it a more accessible poem that correctly captures what it was intended to do. Thanks for your thoughts!
Written only for you to consider.