Defining Birds

[heslopian]

V. 3
Adjusted stanza 2, removing "is it"
Adjusted stanza 6 to "a life...spent searching"


Ask me
What is a bird? This line is confusing. "Ask me" sounds like a demand, which means you don't need the question mark. The line break also seems arbitrary. How about: "Ask me: what is a bird?" or simply: "Ask me what a bird is."

A patchwork of feathers
Sewn with a beak and straw legs So the beak and straw legs were used like needles to sew the patchwork of feathers? Remove the word "sewn" and this becomes a good couplet I think.

A music box
Waiting to be turned in the trees I think this line would work better like so: "Waiting in the trees to be wound." "Turned" is too ambiguous, and putting "in the trees" after "waiting" would make a more concise image.

Perhaps even a symbol of liberty,
Knowing no borders, nesting in alcoves and
The nooks of porches. My favourite verse. Crisp, strong and flowing image.

No, no. Do you really need two "no"s? It sounds a bit melodramatic.
I find a bird to be no more

Than a life
Spent searching for the best patch of sun.
A vacation home in Guatemala. A time share in my mulberry. Great use of semantics (searching, vacation, time share).

A bird is a man with two addresses,
Two homes crafted by the same beak. This couplet makes no sense to me. If you'd said "A bird is a man with no fixed address" I'd understand it. Birds are free etc. But why specifically two addresses? Also, men don't have beaks, so which part of his body is symbolised in the metaphor by the bird's beak, and how could he craft a home with it? I've probably missed something fundamental here, but this couplet baffles me.

Two hiding places. Two nests
Where he is jury and judge. "Two nests." Hmm. Maybe my limited knowledge of birds is partly to blame in not understanding this and the previous couplet.

I think of birds this way
To make them not so different, Would "more familiar" be more concise than "not so different"?

Wings, only a means
To get from here to home. This seems to contradict the tercet about liberty, having no borders etc. If wings are only a means of getting from one place to another then how can birds symbolise liberty?


Original

Ask me
What is a bird?

Is it a patchwork of feathers
Sewn with a beak and straw legs?

A music box
Waiting to be turned in the trees?

Or it must be a symbol of liberty,
Knowing no borders, nesting in alcoves and
The nooks of porches.

No, no.
I find a bird to be no more

Than a man
Searching for the best patch of sun.
A vacation home in Guatemala. A time share in my mulberry.

A bird is a man with two addresses,
Two homes crafted by the same beak.

Two hiding places. Two nests
Where he is jury and judge.

I think of birds this way
To make them not so different,

Wings, only a means
To get from here to home.

I hope I wasn't too harsh. With some small edits everything from the first line to "mulberry" could make an excellent poem. Those tercets ending in "porches" and "mulberry" are perfect. But then the poem loses its way and pokes holes in itself, as though it suddenly forgot its meaning.