10-11-2011, 04:43 AM
(10-11-2011, 04:31 AM)Leanne Wrote: It is very early in the morning here Stef, just 5.20am and the sun is not long up, so this poem's caught me with that strange edge to emotion that sleep leaves behind and the second stanza has actually brought tears to my eyes. All that intrigue, jockeying mercilessly for position and influence to garner the favour of the king -- and they still end up noseless like the peasantry. I wonder how they'd feel if they saw what wastrels their ancestors had become? But that's an aside with nothing to do with the poem!Yeah-I was playing around a bit with the first stanza, it is by no means in its final state, and I was hoping for opinions on it.
In the first stanza, I'm not entirely sure you need the last two lines. You have "dawn" in the next stanza, and I tend to think that leaving it at "exhales" builds the mood a little better. But of course, that's not definitive.
I am quite in love with "In the church tattered banners hold particles of heavy time". You have woven the heraldic colours and time itself together beautifully.
There are two 5.20s in the day? :O
You are a superb reader- I hope to learn as much about reading as about writing from you, thanks Leanne
Have a good day, it is 8.30pm Monday here.