10-08-2011, 09:34 PM
Well, I am not exactly a novice, but I am a poor critic, and the novice forum is intended to help people develop their critiquing skills, so, here goes.
First, the length of this alone told me that you had spent some time on it. Perhaps you do not want to spend any more! I thought, though, that you had not made up your mind about whether or not it was going to be some meter, though you were determined everything should rhyme. I think that was a mistake. It begins as iambic (deDA deDa deDA -- three 'feet'). If the second line began with 'And', it would be just the same. The third line...well, it sounds well, and then the fourth...and it's all got away from you.
None of this would matter much, but if you had stuck to some sort of regular meter, it might have, if you had wished, enabled you to be more expressive, by rhyming ,say, only every other line, and more importantly, I think, would have given more punch when you got to the 'lost soul' bit, which you might have left as it is.
It is often a good trick to weave in at the end, some line, often the first, but not necessarily, from what has gone before -- my choice would be the first 'lost soul' line.
I hope this makes sense.
First, the length of this alone told me that you had spent some time on it. Perhaps you do not want to spend any more! I thought, though, that you had not made up your mind about whether or not it was going to be some meter, though you were determined everything should rhyme. I think that was a mistake. It begins as iambic (deDA deDa deDA -- three 'feet'). If the second line began with 'And', it would be just the same. The third line...well, it sounds well, and then the fourth...and it's all got away from you.
None of this would matter much, but if you had stuck to some sort of regular meter, it might have, if you had wished, enabled you to be more expressive, by rhyming ,say, only every other line, and more importantly, I think, would have given more punch when you got to the 'lost soul' bit, which you might have left as it is.
It is often a good trick to weave in at the end, some line, often the first, but not necessarily, from what has gone before -- my choice would be the first 'lost soul' line.
I hope this makes sense.