10-08-2011, 04:49 AM
Hello Aish
I don't think I have had the pleasure so far of offering a crit of your work. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how much of a crit I can offer of this, especially the modified version. Initially, I was going to agree with Todd and say that the route of no punctuation might be best here, but honestly I really liked the comma in line one, the period in the last line, and how they are located in about the place above and below each other; really adds to the symmetry, which is important when you have a word like "center" involved. Interestingly enough, I also like how neither "center" nor "I" are not perfectly in the center, though it revolves around that concept to a degree. Continuing, opening with "at the foot" is very clever.
Breaking from aesthetics, I read the last two lines as applicable to either the spider or the secrets, which is a great flexibility. Quality over quantity should have this as a definition; great piece.
I don't think I have had the pleasure so far of offering a crit of your work. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how much of a crit I can offer of this, especially the modified version. Initially, I was going to agree with Todd and say that the route of no punctuation might be best here, but honestly I really liked the comma in line one, the period in the last line, and how they are located in about the place above and below each other; really adds to the symmetry, which is important when you have a word like "center" involved. Interestingly enough, I also like how neither "center" nor "I" are not perfectly in the center, though it revolves around that concept to a degree. Continuing, opening with "at the foot" is very clever.
Breaking from aesthetics, I read the last two lines as applicable to either the spider or the secrets, which is a great flexibility. Quality over quantity should have this as a definition; great piece.
Written only for you to consider.