10-08-2011, 04:32 AM
Thank you for the feedback guys! It's helped so much; I hope the adjustments are moving me in the right direction. Individually...
Billy-I don't want to name a specific person unless I absolutely have to (saving it as a last resort). I tried some adjustments, and I think the last 2 stanzas might lead a bit more towards admiration of another person (as well as the title, which I realize is not 100% perfect). I'm glad you like the images; this is a piece I think had some potential, and I am starting to see some light!
Heslopian-Thanks for the very useful crit, especially when combined with Todd because you guys agreed on a number of specific issues. I found a big pair of scissors, so hopefully a lot of the trimming helps with the reading; that goes for switching some of the words and line breaks around (like unfinished labor; might play with some of the latter a bit more). I'm glad some of the images appealed to you!
Todd-You especially helped me to alter/ demolish/ recreate the last two stanzas, and I'm grateful for that. Again, you and heslopian touched on similar points throughout which is much easier to deal with than having everyone disagreeing. Still thinking about the first stanza in terms of ways to strengthen it--not sure just yet I want to pull a switch. Would be curious to see what you think of the "dried beds" in stanza 2, as well as the new finish of course.
Billy-I don't want to name a specific person unless I absolutely have to (saving it as a last resort). I tried some adjustments, and I think the last 2 stanzas might lead a bit more towards admiration of another person (as well as the title, which I realize is not 100% perfect). I'm glad you like the images; this is a piece I think had some potential, and I am starting to see some light!
Heslopian-Thanks for the very useful crit, especially when combined with Todd because you guys agreed on a number of specific issues. I found a big pair of scissors, so hopefully a lot of the trimming helps with the reading; that goes for switching some of the words and line breaks around (like unfinished labor; might play with some of the latter a bit more). I'm glad some of the images appealed to you!
Todd-You especially helped me to alter/ demolish/ recreate the last two stanzas, and I'm grateful for that. Again, you and heslopian touched on similar points throughout which is much easier to deal with than having everyone disagreeing. Still thinking about the first stanza in terms of ways to strengthen it--not sure just yet I want to pull a switch. Would be curious to see what you think of the "dried beds" in stanza 2, as well as the new finish of course.
Written only for you to consider.