10-06-2011, 01:12 AM
Phil,
I very much like what you are attempting to do in this piece.
I believe that Billy’s point on L1 ("is it"), is a salient suggestion. It caused me to realize that what you need to do is take a more assertive approach in crafting this; rather than ask: Tell. Consider making "Birds" the title rather than part of a question in the poem itself. Lay this out with speaker as confident philosopher, ad-libbing his deeper observations on an otherwise overlooked subject. This is JMO and I will not feel offended if it is not at all what you are going for.
Sid
I very much like what you are attempting to do in this piece.
I believe that Billy’s point on L1 ("is it"), is a salient suggestion. It caused me to realize that what you need to do is take a more assertive approach in crafting this; rather than ask: Tell. Consider making "Birds" the title rather than part of a question in the poem itself. Lay this out with speaker as confident philosopher, ad-libbing his deeper observations on an otherwise overlooked subject. This is JMO and I will not feel offended if it is not at all what you are going for.
Sid