10-05-2011, 02:11 PM
Philatone,
Phil,
Thank you for the incisive analysis. You touched on some things that I have been trying to resolve about this since I first posted the initial version. The point you made about a sort of disconnect between S1 and S2 goes along with a personal perception of something always lacking, but then, there are damn few poems I have been totally satisfied enough with anyway to declare as complete. Your call on the need to shift “all” a few spaces back was a good one and I will be changing it accordingly. The coldness you felt within the piece is somewhat the effect I was going for. I tried building everything around the final couplet, thus, was never quite sure if I was saying too much or not enough. In the end, I attempted to describe just enough to lead up the climactic final strophe. Yet, I am always beset by the fear that I have over-done it. I enjoy seeing various interpretations of anything I write. Any time they come close to what I personally envisioned, I feel I am closer to succeeding.
I very much appreciate your having taken the time to read and comment,
Sid
Phil,
Thank you for the incisive analysis. You touched on some things that I have been trying to resolve about this since I first posted the initial version. The point you made about a sort of disconnect between S1 and S2 goes along with a personal perception of something always lacking, but then, there are damn few poems I have been totally satisfied enough with anyway to declare as complete. Your call on the need to shift “all” a few spaces back was a good one and I will be changing it accordingly. The coldness you felt within the piece is somewhat the effect I was going for. I tried building everything around the final couplet, thus, was never quite sure if I was saying too much or not enough. In the end, I attempted to describe just enough to lead up the climactic final strophe. Yet, I am always beset by the fear that I have over-done it. I enjoy seeing various interpretations of anything I write. Any time they come close to what I personally envisioned, I feel I am closer to succeeding.
I very much appreciate your having taken the time to read and comment,
Sid