10-05-2011, 01:18 PM
Jack,
I personally like the imagery you attempt to convey in this piece. My main nits are usually with extraneous words such as “the,” not all of them necessarily but at least five (by my count), as per my suggestions pending your approval of course. This would allow a quick, natural tightening of your already compelling rhythm. I would also like to see “every” in S1L1 switched with "each" in S2L2, to smooth the rhythm further. JMHO, and it is all subject to your own final interpretation. I know at this point this is also subject to revision anyhow, so I hesitant to appear too much the form-pedant for now. Thanks for sharing,
Sid
I personally like the imagery you attempt to convey in this piece. My main nits are usually with extraneous words such as “the,” not all of them necessarily but at least five (by my count), as per my suggestions pending your approval of course. This would allow a quick, natural tightening of your already compelling rhythm. I would also like to see “every” in S1L1 switched with "each" in S2L2, to smooth the rhythm further. JMHO, and it is all subject to your own final interpretation. I know at this point this is also subject to revision anyhow, so I hesitant to appear too much the form-pedant for now. Thanks for sharing,
Sid
(10-05-2011, 09:06 AM)Heslopian Wrote: Life could never work like this: every(each) boy and girl a wit,
deflating any tension with a needle-like aside,
as the daughter's new boyfriend is thrown out by her dad.
But even more perplexing is how this unreality,
windows reflecting the studio lights, can be the ultimate comfort.
You know the cameras touch the edge of the carpets and lino,
formaldehyde preserving each(every) mannerism, facial tic,
spectral laughter blundering like soldiers through a native camp.
But this can be forgiven if the[such?] phoniness is comforting,
floral womb enveloping the static multitudes. APPLAUSE.