10-05-2011, 04:51 AM
Call me crazy, but, especially after reading the title, I think you could swap the stanzas. The "Last glance..." line is a great intro because it creates the setting well in my opinion. Your current first stanza has a pretty quick momentum with its sounds that mesh well together and alliteration; interestingly, I think the "silent smiles shared", though shorter than the other lines, got most of my attention as I was reading and I think would make a strong ending.
I definitely pick up the sinister tone with your word choice, with words like "drip," "tacky," "antagonized," "stuffed," "last," etc. nicely done carrying it throughout the piece.
I definitely pick up the sinister tone with your word choice, with words like "drip," "tacky," "antagonized," "stuffed," "last," etc. nicely done carrying it throughout the piece.
Written only for you to consider.