10-04-2011, 03:08 PM
hey marc
I actually think the ifs can work here, but if the poem had a smaller quantity of images. I would have a stronger connection to it if you picked a couple of points (rather than listing them) and elaborated. For instance, "beneath a foot fall of brutal ballot boxes,"
What kind of boxes? Who did what? tell me a little story. Similar items I wanted to learn more about were "if the delicacy of flowers become forgotten memories" (show me how they are delicate!)
I think narrowing the images while giving more description also complement that shift you have towards the end, where you break from the ifs. If you prefer keeping the form as is, then I think losing the ifs would improve the impact for me. hope this helps
I actually think the ifs can work here, but if the poem had a smaller quantity of images. I would have a stronger connection to it if you picked a couple of points (rather than listing them) and elaborated. For instance, "beneath a foot fall of brutal ballot boxes,"
What kind of boxes? Who did what? tell me a little story. Similar items I wanted to learn more about were "if the delicacy of flowers become forgotten memories" (show me how they are delicate!)
I think narrowing the images while giving more description also complement that shift you have towards the end, where you break from the ifs. If you prefer keeping the form as is, then I think losing the ifs would improve the impact for me. hope this helps