10-03-2011, 07:18 AM
John -I still think of you as Ara,
I think much of the advice tendered is sound, and, if you collate it, you will find that it centres on similar areas, for the most part. I am always with Leanne; but Patrick's point was good, and minor. I do not think that a little tweak here and there should be overlooked, rather on the principle of 'Why spoil the ship for a ha'porth of tar?' As an example: Heslopian suggested a title-change, which at first I discarded. But on thinking-- he is bang on the button, in this way. Were it not for the title, for what the reader knows, the old poet might end up getting off with a dancer from the Folies Bergeres, and have 6 kids with her, and playing Santa at Christmas! You know that's not the story you mean to tell, but the reader has no idea. Thus, if you change the title, away from death, then the final punch when Brother Death does appear, is quadrupled.
I should not trouble to comment on a poem, unless I thought it good enough to be worth improving--- and btw, I am one of the 'non-changers' very often. I would have it be much more 'clickety-click' as people rudely say, and I would have no difficulty in making it that way. I liked it, in case you have not picked it up, a whole lot: and my favorite lines were among those Leanne picked out: 'Of plastic trees and fruit of wax/Of china eggs and income-tax'. Reminded me of the once fashionable John Betjeman, whom I like.
I think much of the advice tendered is sound, and, if you collate it, you will find that it centres on similar areas, for the most part. I am always with Leanne; but Patrick's point was good, and minor. I do not think that a little tweak here and there should be overlooked, rather on the principle of 'Why spoil the ship for a ha'porth of tar?' As an example: Heslopian suggested a title-change, which at first I discarded. But on thinking-- he is bang on the button, in this way. Were it not for the title, for what the reader knows, the old poet might end up getting off with a dancer from the Folies Bergeres, and have 6 kids with her, and playing Santa at Christmas! You know that's not the story you mean to tell, but the reader has no idea. Thus, if you change the title, away from death, then the final punch when Brother Death does appear, is quadrupled.
I should not trouble to comment on a poem, unless I thought it good enough to be worth improving--- and btw, I am one of the 'non-changers' very often. I would have it be much more 'clickety-click' as people rudely say, and I would have no difficulty in making it that way. I liked it, in case you have not picked it up, a whole lot: and my favorite lines were among those Leanne picked out: 'Of plastic trees and fruit of wax/Of china eggs and income-tax'. Reminded me of the once fashionable John Betjeman, whom I like.