10-01-2011, 10:51 AM
Oh, how I love "King Coal" 
You have beautiful sonics throughout that really enhance the imagery ("mauve and yellow moorlands" -- simple yet stunning). Your closing stanza is many-layered -- "woollen" may be that feeling you get when you've had far too much to drink the night before (that might just be me!), or wool as an insulator, creating a cocoon, or wool as a resource to be woven into something greater, or... well, many-layered, like I said! And the connotations of sheep are fairly universal, unless you're from one of those places we make fun of...
I wonder if you need "like" in S1 L4 -- you don't use similes anywhere else (that I can see, I might have missed one), and perhaps you'd consider:
Strident viaducts trace
ancient tracks between
ant hills of empires
golden-age ley lines
that guide ghostly chariots
of rusty industrial gods.
Much enjoyed, thanks Stef.
You have beautiful sonics throughout that really enhance the imagery ("mauve and yellow moorlands" -- simple yet stunning). Your closing stanza is many-layered -- "woollen" may be that feeling you get when you've had far too much to drink the night before (that might just be me!), or wool as an insulator, creating a cocoon, or wool as a resource to be woven into something greater, or... well, many-layered, like I said! And the connotations of sheep are fairly universal, unless you're from one of those places we make fun of...I wonder if you need "like" in S1 L4 -- you don't use similes anywhere else (that I can see, I might have missed one), and perhaps you'd consider:
Strident viaducts trace
ancient tracks between
ant hills of empires
golden-age ley lines
that guide ghostly chariots
of rusty industrial gods.
Much enjoyed, thanks Stef.
It could be worse