If All The Birds Fall From The Sky

[Todd]

Hi Marc,

Just a few basic comments for you:

I would suggest letting your title do dual work as your first line:

So your new "first line" would be:

and children bury them in mason jars,


Now going a little further, you've got some good lines and ideas in here. I'd like to see you pare it down a bit so that your best lines shine. A few comments in the lines:

If all the fields are yellow and crucified by--how would fields be crucified (I'm having trouble visualizing that)?
the unchanging hands of man,--these are the type of lines you can cut. Stick with your more visual ones (imo)
if the electronic furnace never loses its intensity,--never loses its intensity isn't as visual as you could make this. Stretch for something that the electronic furnace specifically does
if the emerald of the planet is crushed
beneath a foot fall of brutal ballot boxes,
if the forests are reduced to a womb stripped
of fertility,--womb implies fertility so you don't need this you could simply say stripped womb above
if the delicacy of flowers become forgotten memories,
if human hands are washed away by burning
raindrops,
if the path of wonder is replaced by a desolate
avenue of despair,
if the birds all fall from the sky
and children bury them in mason jars,
if science fails to discover the vast ocean
of the soul,
if we continue to ignore the trembling
of the frog, the doe and the timber wolf,
if our constant onslaught of the Earth persists
without hesitation,
then I step toward my eventual transfiguration
with a sorrowful but almost
ethereal anticipation
behind my eyes.

I could make more comments Marc, but since this is mild I just wanted to highlight a few things. I think this could be worked into a really nice poem. None of my comments are gospel by any means but just weigh them against what you think. Hopefully there will be something in them you can use.

Best,

Todd