hi Karren, great to see you post your stuff,
this poem strikes me as lyric, i like the way it's laid out.
the content is something many of us have written about in a similar way at one time or another. so take any advice for what it is; advice. the choice on how or even if to edit is always yours (the poets)
while the content is sweet and sad, the way you say it has been done a lot of times before. you need to claim it as your own by making every line original. how many times have you seen or heard any of these lines before?
Staring at my face
Thinking of that place
Playing our love song
Where did we go wrong?
show us how he stared,
give us an image of the place
what was the song
show us how you went wrong. (though not with "our love died")
did he play fill doughnut with someone else, was he more interested in origami, were you more into Maybeline lip-gloss than him?
if possible, don't try to be poetic, silly i know but if you say it as you feel it, with anger, love etc, "his arms make me wetter than the monsoon" or "his words slithered from ragged lips) it will come out as yours.
billy
ps. me and addy (another member are from the philippines as well)
this poem strikes me as lyric, i like the way it's laid out.
the content is something many of us have written about in a similar way at one time or another. so take any advice for what it is; advice. the choice on how or even if to edit is always yours (the poets)
while the content is sweet and sad, the way you say it has been done a lot of times before. you need to claim it as your own by making every line original. how many times have you seen or heard any of these lines before?
Staring at my face
Thinking of that place
Playing our love song
Where did we go wrong?
show us how he stared,
give us an image of the place
what was the song
show us how you went wrong. (though not with "our love died")
did he play fill doughnut with someone else, was he more interested in origami, were you more into Maybeline lip-gloss than him?
if possible, don't try to be poetic, silly i know but if you say it as you feel it, with anger, love etc, "his arms make me wetter than the monsoon" or "his words slithered from ragged lips) it will come out as yours.
billy
ps. me and addy (another member are from the philippines as well)