09-29-2011, 11:15 AM
I do like the flow of this, and you've got lots of excellent, off-the-cuff lines. There are a few line breaks that for me seem oddly chosen, but this seems pretty free flow so I'll just attribute that to the style.
In the lines "where the portraits of yesterdays //faces are gathered and left to yellow and crack//like forgotten memories", I think you can ditch "like forgotten memories". It's not particularly original, and anyway the portraits themselves clearly represent old memories so drawing a simile is unnecessary. Ditto on "over all", seems like just a filler phrase. I'd also consider getting rid of all the ellipsis (...) save for the first one, since the line breaks already do the work for you.
Thanks for this, it was definitely a mindbender
In the lines "where the portraits of yesterdays //faces are gathered and left to yellow and crack//like forgotten memories", I think you can ditch "like forgotten memories". It's not particularly original, and anyway the portraits themselves clearly represent old memories so drawing a simile is unnecessary. Ditto on "over all", seems like just a filler phrase. I'd also consider getting rid of all the ellipsis (...) save for the first one, since the line breaks already do the work for you.
Thanks for this, it was definitely a mindbender
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?