Brother Death

[John Holland]

Yep. It certainly is a departure from my usual scratches on the screen.

I will certainly consider your suggestions. I have great respect for your knowledge and your opinions.

Confession: I need to be more open to revision than I am. I seldom revise. Not because I think the poem is perfect, or even "good", but because if I look back too much I become very depressed at how ordinary the poem actually is.

This is a bit of a departure in style for you, John, and I really like the result. I'm good with some of the departures from rigid meter, particularly when you skip a syllable after a full stop as that effectively makes us pause and let the line sink in -- however there are still a couple of bumps that don't really serve any purpose and could be smoothed over, if you're up for it.

The old poet sat in the shade of a tree.
He pondered the riddle of blossom and bee. -- beautiful setup, just a few words give us all the scene we need

He squinted his mind the better to see -- a comma after mind would help here
as he searched for the truth. The magical key.

A long, long time he sat and thought -- I would put another "he" in front of "thought" to match the quicker triple feet of the first part of the line
of women wooed and battles fought. -- despite the disparity in syllable counts, this line has the same number of feet as the rest and the long, round sounds of "wooed" and "fought" even it out nicely

Of plastic trees and fruit of wax
of china eggs and income tax. -- I love these lines, all the artifice coming in between women and lizards, a great juxtaposition

Of lizards drinking from his hand. -- I wouldn't mind seeing this line end in a comma, or "and", to better link this couplet
Nights spent buried in the sand.

He thought, “This is a funny place
to build a world. In outer space!”

“Or maybe this is inner space?
I’ll have to ask old what’s-his-face!” -- These two couplets break the mood and wake the reader up a bit from the dream-state of the first part of the poem

For many years he would sit and think. -- you could try "he'd" instead
He forgot to eat and sleep and drink.

One day they found him sitting still
under that tree that grew on a hill.

He wore a smile but breathed no breath;
he’d gone away with brother death. -- I like the end but I do think "gone" is a bit of a wasted word, what about something like "wandered"?

Oh, and on the white space thing... you'd be surprised at the variety of styles people use, nothing's for everyone... we've had plenty of arguments about things like that, but it's through arguments that we tend to learn the most