Silence

[Todd]

Hi Bogpan,

I like your opening image quite a bit. These comments of course apply only to this translation. In the original language the lines may carry more than I am aware:

“Even the silence isn’t yours anymore
here, where the millstones have stopped..."
G. Sepheris


Let what I am telling you
have some sense,--Just an opinion but these first two lines as they translate don't seem to be as strong as simply starting on Line 3. I would consider cutting them. If you do chose to keep them substituting make for have on Line 2 might serve you better
when this world is--all that said, I think this line may be a much more interesting opening. I really love the idea of the world being imagined in this way
a pleat
of your midnight shirt--maybe on instead of of would be more in keeping with the translation you want

and my voice – so hollow
and empty.
I am writing out long lines
with the words which I do not know.--you could possibly cut the and which and lose nothing
And then
everything is
erased.

The poem has some interesting imagery. Like I said, I'm not sure how the lines read in Bulgarian and there might be a very strong poetic reason to express them in this way. I hope some of these options will be helpful to you whatever you chose to do.

Best,

Todd