09-27-2011, 03:25 PM
[quote='Todd' pid='79044' dateline='1316923463']
Hi Patrick,
This sort of reminds me of Simic's The White Room, in the sort of looming presence of the trees and the hint of madness. I'm hesitant to suggest any cuts because I like the sonics so much. One I kept considering was L1 "in company" but I liked how it sounded with certainly and I didn't like the triple end rhyme the change would leave in it's wake. I absolutely love L3-4 and your final four lines. Our floodlights float a misty scrim that dulls the ancient sky is so good.
No nits from me. I really enjoyed this piece.
Best,
Todd
Thank you, Todd. The "in company" bothered me too--a bit eccentric, ain't it? I'll think about that one.
Patrick
Hi Patrick,
This sort of reminds me of Simic's The White Room, in the sort of looming presence of the trees and the hint of madness. I'm hesitant to suggest any cuts because I like the sonics so much. One I kept considering was L1 "in company" but I liked how it sounded with certainly and I didn't like the triple end rhyme the change would leave in it's wake. I absolutely love L3-4 and your final four lines. Our floodlights float a misty scrim that dulls the ancient sky is so good.
No nits from me. I really enjoyed this piece.
Best,
Todd
Thank you, Todd. The "in company" bothered me too--a bit eccentric, ain't it? I'll think about that one.
Patrick