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Ozymandias
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09-25-2011, 12:31 PM
It could be such a delightful romp if the rhythm was a bit better. I liked Leanne's edits and would add one: the second clause of the last line, "pass us another eclair," the stresses in "another" seem not to match the stresses of the line above it. I have no suggestions because I agree with Leanne that the line above it should also be revised. The poem is certainly good enough to work on and I'm sorry to be so critical.
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| Messages In This Thread |
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Ozymandias - by abu nuwas - 09-08-2011, 08:37 AM
RE: Ozymandias - by Leanne - 09-08-2011, 12:20 PM
RE: Ozymandias - by addy - 09-08-2011, 03:32 PM
RE: Ozymandias - by only rob - 09-20-2011, 10:04 PM
RE: Ozymandias - by abu nuwas - 09-21-2011, 02:50 AM
RE: Ozymandias - by Ca ne fait rien - 09-21-2011, 07:50 AM
RE: Ozymandias - by abu nuwas - 09-21-2011, 08:14 AM
RE: Ozymandias - by grannyjill - 09-25-2011, 04:54 AM
RE: Ozymandias - by abu nuwas - 09-25-2011, 06:58 AM
RE: Ozymandias - by Patrick Traveler - 09-25-2011, 12:31 PM
RE: Ozymandias - by abu nuwas - 09-25-2011, 08:08 PM
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