09-25-2011, 10:21 AM
hi dubs, great to see you post some poetry. that said, i think you should post in the novice section so as to not be overwhelmed with feedback. (just a suggestion)
the poem feels like it's very personal. the first verse works well. the 2nd verse needs a little on making read better, at present it feels jerky.
the last verse is much better, the reader can read it without and jerkiness. for me "that day" isn't necessary on the last line. always use the spell check dubs, spelling a a big part of putting a good looking poem out. others will hopefully give you feedback as well, my advice is to listen to it if you think poetry is something you want to learn about. either way, well done for showing us the poem
thanks for the read.
the poem feels like it's very personal. the first verse works well. the 2nd verse needs a little on making read better, at present it feels jerky.
the last verse is much better, the reader can read it without and jerkiness. for me "that day" isn't necessary on the last line. always use the spell check dubs, spelling a a big part of putting a good looking poem out. others will hopefully give you feedback as well, my advice is to listen to it if you think poetry is something you want to learn about. either way, well done for showing us the poem
thanks for the read.
(09-24-2011, 03:00 PM)DUBLIN5 Wrote: Walk away calmly
Stop shouting in my face
More of a man to turn my back
Ignoring your discrace disgrace
Your ignorance and vulgerness
Of a person of your status
Tells me your vulcalbury
You don't really rate us
So go on - now walk away
Bring your shame with you
Till your dying day
Don't come back for pity
Or sorrow should i say
Your the one that walked out
I won't forget that day