09-25-2011, 02:40 AM
When I've written a sonnet I have moved heaven and earth to maintain exactly five unstressed and five stressed beats per line....but, you haven't done this. Is that because there is lee-way in a modern sonnet not to do so?
I don't suppose it matters if you deviate slightly, but (take) "I've no lust for your treasures, in fact/but the feelings that rushed through my heart in the fray" there is a huge discrepancy there...the first line is too short, and the second line too long.
It this wasn't a declared sonnet, then who cares.
Rhyme seems fine, though....I can't always remember what the pattern should be, but that looks okay to me abba, abba, cdcdcd
Your title was very inviting, and the poem itself was a cheeky look at an alternative to the standard 'rot in hell' for sinners - so I did enjoy the read.
I don't suppose it matters if you deviate slightly, but (take) "I've no lust for your treasures, in fact/but the feelings that rushed through my heart in the fray" there is a huge discrepancy there...the first line is too short, and the second line too long.
It this wasn't a declared sonnet, then who cares.
Rhyme seems fine, though....I can't always remember what the pattern should be, but that looks okay to me abba, abba, cdcdcd
Your title was very inviting, and the poem itself was a cheeky look at an alternative to the standard 'rot in hell' for sinners - so I did enjoy the read.