a long way home

[billy]

i quite like this. it feels like it wants to be staccato. as short as lean as possible. for me you could remove a lot of the small words.

ie;
The dark eyes flash lies
and her tanned thighs
are strong and sinuous.

Dark eyes flash lies
her tanned thighs
strong and sinuous.

you could do something similar in most of the verse within the poem. (just suggestions of course) . i think it needs to be tightened up in order to add some strength to the piece. thanks for the read.