09-24-2011, 03:31 AM
Hi, I really love your last three lines. If I were make any suggestion it would be that I'm not sure that your one word line adverbs are doing much for you.
cautiously
she waited near the gushing reservoir--what if instead of cautiously you substituted waited with a word like tensed?
swiftly
thoughts rush through life--what does swiftly give you that rush (though you may have to make it rushing) doesn't already give you
as piqued sunshine paints forging waters--gorgeous line
in dullest gray revelations--option (only an option) you could draw the paints idea down and exchange revelation for brush strokes
of what this mundane union had become--I like the added space. I think it makes the line hit harder.
Welcome to the site! Thanks for posting such a nice piece.
Best,
Todd
cautiously
she waited near the gushing reservoir--what if instead of cautiously you substituted waited with a word like tensed?
swiftly
thoughts rush through life--what does swiftly give you that rush (though you may have to make it rushing) doesn't already give you
as piqued sunshine paints forging waters--gorgeous line
in dullest gray revelations--option (only an option) you could draw the paints idea down and exchange revelation for brush strokes
of what this mundane union had become--I like the added space. I think it makes the line hit harder.
Welcome to the site! Thanks for posting such a nice piece.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson