09-24-2011, 02:48 AM
Thank You for the welcome and feedback Aish. 
[2nd draft]
cautiously
she waited near the gushing reservoir
swiftly
thoughts rush through life
as piqued sunshine paints forging waters
in dullest gray revelations
of what this mundane union had become
[2nd draft]
cautiously
she waited near the gushing reservoir
swiftly
thoughts rush through life
as piqued sunshine paints forging waters
in dullest gray revelations
of what this mundane union had become
(09-24-2011, 02:33 AM)Aish Wrote:(09-23-2011, 11:11 PM)writeitout Wrote: cautiously
she waited near the gushing reservoir
thoughts rushing through life's tunnel swiftly "life's tunnel" is clunky. I don't think this line is necessary.
as piqued sunshine painted forging waters
in dullest gray revelations I think you should put a period here, and set your antipodal line apart.
of what this mundane union had become Nice ending.
Welcome, writeitout. You might break up your enjabment a little, and move 'swiftly' in front of 'thoughts'. There are many words packed into this short piece, perhaps breaking it into strophes with punctuation would help the readers pace.