09-24-2011, 02:33 AM
(09-23-2011, 11:11 PM)writeitout Wrote: cautiously
she waited near the gushing reservoir
thoughts rushing through life's tunnel swiftly "life's tunnel" is clunky. I don't think this line is necessary.
as piqued sunshine painted forging waters
in dullest gray revelations I think you should put a period here, and set your antipodal line apart.
of what this mundane union had become Nice ending.
Welcome, writeitout. You might break up your enjabment a little, and move 'swiftly' in front of 'thoughts'. There are many words packed into this short piece, perhaps breaking it into strophes with punctuation would help the readers pace.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?