09-21-2011, 01:29 PM
(09-17-2011, 04:25 AM)grannyjill Wrote: Revision 1:Very melancholic, yet beautiful. I was thinking of my grandparents as I was reading through this. My grandfather died with my grandmother holding his hand, and his last words were to her.
Reflecting on Lost Love
When the day came
There was no right of appeal
Your eyes stayed dead
Your mouth was a line Is 'was' needed?
Underscoring those final words
You gripped my hand in yours
Eternity yawned in the pause I really like this line.
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
To suppress the falling tears
A memory that haunted me for years
The air was still, I remember
There was a hint of autumn's frost
I was lost in a dark place Is 'in a dark place' necessary?
I could taste forever in that final kiss
I could taste forever in that final kiss
I was lost in a dark place
There was a hint of autumn's frost
The air was still, I remember
A memory that haunted me for years
To suppress the falling tears
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
Eternity yawned in the pause
You gripped my hand in yours
Underscoring those final words
Your mouth was a line
Your eyes stayed dead
There was no right of appeal The poem ends here for me.
When the day came
My reply...is gone?
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?