09-21-2011, 12:03 PM
Jill, I've copied the revision to the original post so that it's easier to compare the two.
I think this is much tighter now, with more concrete imagery -- though I'm not keen on "I was lost in a dark place", as "a dark place" is quite amorphous.
Also, you use the word "final" twice (or four times, I suppose
)
It's a really good first edit though.
I think this is much tighter now, with more concrete imagery -- though I'm not keen on "I was lost in a dark place", as "a dark place" is quite amorphous.
Also, you use the word "final" twice (or four times, I suppose
)It's a really good first edit though.
It could be worse