09-21-2011, 10:50 AM
Hi John,
You've written quite an inspired poem IMO. The title is very intriguing, and I am in love with 'a burnt-orange dreaming'. If I had a suggestion, it would be to compact this already brief and well-worded poem a little; the layout could be tighter and the one-word lines expanded upon. Also, I didn't understand the necessity of '(stumble into)'. Just feels like an echo of the previous line.
I wish I'd thought of some of the rich phrases you've come up with for this one. Thanks for sharing, sir.
You've written quite an inspired poem IMO. The title is very intriguing, and I am in love with 'a burnt-orange dreaming'. If I had a suggestion, it would be to compact this already brief and well-worded poem a little; the layout could be tighter and the one-word lines expanded upon. Also, I didn't understand the necessity of '(stumble into)'. Just feels like an echo of the previous line.
I wish I'd thought of some of the rich phrases you've come up with for this one. Thanks for sharing, sir.