09-21-2011, 09:28 AM
Love this one, Jack. The "Oh dear, oh dear," line you started off with was a perfect tone-setting opening. "Happiness is like a thought half-realised during the night when even savages must rest" is a brilliant, disconcerting line. Not sure the parenthesis is strictly necessary for "who's sister's a whore" since it calls attention to something that's not a particularly unique detail in your fictional world. But other than that tiny nit I thought this was great
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?