09-20-2011, 05:03 PM
Billy
Two comments in regard to your suggestions - my English teacher would be horrified if I left out 'that'....but, I will try to defy her and do so.
I am a victim of rhymitis....dead and head offered themselves to me, so I took 'em....but, I will remove 'head'
thank your for your input.
Hi Todd,
This is so exciting for me!
This poem jumped into my arms and I clutched it without looking too closely at what I had. I will take it away and thrash it within an inch of its life (cliches are allowed outside of poems, I hope) and bring it back, chastened, but improved. I hope.
Thank you grannyjill
Hi, folks
Is this any better? I've used suggestions but also, as you can see, struck out on my own...which is as it should be.
Reflecting on Lost Love
When the day came
There was no right of appeal
Your eyes stayed dead
Your mouth was a line
Underscoring those final words
You gripped my hand in yours
Eternity yawned in the pause
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
To suppress the falling tears
A memory that haunted me for years
The air was still, I remember
There was a hint of autumn's frost
I was lost in a dark place
I could taste forever in that final kiss
I could taste forever in that final kiss
I was lost in a dark place
There was a hint of autumn's frost
The air was still, I remember
A memory that haunted me for years
To suppress the falling tears
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
Eternity yawned in the pause
You gripped my hand in yours
Underscoring those final words
Your mouth was a line
Your eyes stayed dead
There was no right of appeal
When the day came
Two comments in regard to your suggestions - my English teacher would be horrified if I left out 'that'....but, I will try to defy her and do so.
I am a victim of rhymitis....dead and head offered themselves to me, so I took 'em....but, I will remove 'head'
thank your for your input.
Hi Todd,
This is so exciting for me!
This poem jumped into my arms and I clutched it without looking too closely at what I had. I will take it away and thrash it within an inch of its life (cliches are allowed outside of poems, I hope) and bring it back, chastened, but improved. I hope.
Thank you grannyjill
Hi, folks
Is this any better? I've used suggestions but also, as you can see, struck out on my own...which is as it should be.
Reflecting on Lost Love
When the day came
There was no right of appeal
Your eyes stayed dead
Your mouth was a line
Underscoring those final words
You gripped my hand in yours
Eternity yawned in the pause
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
To suppress the falling tears
A memory that haunted me for years
The air was still, I remember
There was a hint of autumn's frost
I was lost in a dark place
I could taste forever in that final kiss
I could taste forever in that final kiss
I was lost in a dark place
There was a hint of autumn's frost
The air was still, I remember
A memory that haunted me for years
To suppress the falling tears
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
Eternity yawned in the pause
You gripped my hand in yours
Underscoring those final words
Your mouth was a line
Your eyes stayed dead
There was no right of appeal
When the day came