Reflecting on Lost Love

[Todd]

Hi Jill,

I really love what you've done here. I've never attempted something like this, but can see the degree of difficulty. I think you pull it off nicely. I would echo Billy's suggestion on paring out words that you can. I would also challenge you to ask yourself which lines are fully necessary there may be some that are much stronger than others and if you can you should consider populating your poem with only your strongest lines. Here are a few minor line comments for you (again I really do love this):

Reflecting on Lost Love

I realised that we had run out of time
Your eyes were dead in your head--think strongly about when you use being verbs like were. It's not that you can't but you might be able to substitute something stronger in their place
Your mouth was like a line--you were direct in the last line you could probably stay that way and cut the "like"
Underscoring the seriousness of it all
You avoided my eye
You gripped my hand in yours
There was an eternity in that pause
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
To suppress the falling tears--these last three lines really work well in both directions
A memory that haunted me for years
The air was moist, I remember
There was a hint of autumn's frost--love this line and the one before it
I was lost
I was unable to comprehend the forever of our last kiss
I never imagined that it would come to this

I never imagined that it would come to this
I was unable to comprehend the forever of our last kiss
I was lost
There was a hint of autumn's frost
The air was moist, I remember
A memory that haunted me for years
To suppress the falling tears
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
There was an eternity in that pause
You gripped my hand in yours
You avoided my eye
Underscoring the seriousness of it all
Your mouth was like a line
Your eyes were dead in your head
I realised that we had run out of time

If you decide to revise and repost maybe move this up to mild. I think this could be tightened up to be something very special.

Best,

Todd