09-17-2011, 04:59 AM
Oh, a palindrome, how wonderful! Firstly, congratulations on getting this to work so well, I've seen them look very trite and silly and of course yours is neither. The line that stands out as awkward to me is "I was unable to comprehend the forever of our last kiss" -- that's a rather large mouthful and because of that, the rhyme in those two lines is completely lost. The line after that is a bit long also, and heading toward a song-lyric-type cliche (like "it started with a kiss, I never thought it would come to this" by good old Hot Chocolate 
). I'm not completely sure what to suggest -- I though perhaps you could take them out entirely, but "I was lost" is not strong enough to pivot the poem on. I will have coffee and contemplate
). I'm not completely sure what to suggest -- I though perhaps you could take them out entirely, but "I was lost" is not strong enough to pivot the poem on. I will have coffee and contemplate
It could be worse