Brother
#5
(09-11-2011, 04:00 AM)grannyjill Wrote:  Brother

When I look at you I see him,
You possess the same build.
A six-footer, slim,
An unapproachable Errol Flynn (I like this reference. I connect immediately to an image)
with handsome face made
grim by the look in his eyes.
Always elegantly turned out,
with not a hair out of place.

Yes, he was a dapper man
with expensive tastes,
indulged by the sacrifices
others make.
Purchasing tea by the ounce,
poor quality meat, broken biscuits (Do the specific examples help the poem? Can it be said another way?)
and damaged fruit,
But, my word, he looked the business
in his bespoke suit.

When I see his shadow
appearing on your face; (love these two lines (L1&2))
when I see the black dog
seeming to win the race;
I shiver and push the image
to the back of my brain.
I tell myself, it's a trick of the light
And then I breathe again.

maybe this would be a good point to go outside the story with images that speak of the feelings you are transmitting in the last verse.

You and I harbour no bitterness
and feel no regret.
We survived unscathed....
Yet, I would guess
in some unreachable parts
of our two battered hearts
some tiny scars
remain.
----------------------------------------------------
I read your comments about this being a personal piece and I definitely understand. Whatever you choose to do with it, keep in my that finding a more concise way to illuminate the feelings behind your words isn't the same thing as editing something out completely. You can maintain your meaning and reduce the word count, if that's what you think it needs.
Best of luck with this. Great job.
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Messages In This Thread
Brother - by grannyjill - 09-11-2011, 04:00 AM
RE: Brother - by Todd - 09-11-2011, 04:35 AM
RE: Brother - by addy - 09-12-2011, 07:02 PM
RE: Brother - by grannyjill - 09-13-2011, 01:30 AM
RE: Brother - by Wildcard - 09-13-2011, 02:53 AM
RE: Brother - by billy - 09-13-2011, 12:49 PM



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