09-10-2011, 08:42 AM
sorry for missing this one jack;
some good L's in therem glad you didn't use lip's at the end of the 2nd line
the first verse feels a little less about cats and more about humans playing off cats. for me, if i had an edit to suggest it would be the last two lines of the 1st. unlike Todd, i like the gaping eye thing even though it may be a little cliche; in this instance it works well enough to get used.
jmo
thanks for the read
(09-09-2011, 02:52 AM)Heslopian Wrote: neighbourhood cats prowl a patch of grassfor me the 2nd verse is really good. when i read it i see cats.
fenced in by wooden stumps. one watches me
with gaping eyes, the absurd paranoia of a kitten,
ignorant to man's worry,
how it exceeds his simple ambitions.
his fellows linger behind, lids at half mast, great image
lazily licking their mouths. i wonder how long
they've been here, wandering the small estate,
looking at windows with indifference and fear,
being chased by young sadists.
some good L's in therem glad you didn't use lip's at the end of the 2nd line
the first verse feels a little less about cats and more about humans playing off cats. for me, if i had an edit to suggest it would be the last two lines of the 1st. unlike Todd, i like the gaping eye thing even though it may be a little cliche; in this instance it works well enough to get used.
jmo
thanks for the read