09-09-2011, 05:29 AM
Jack,
Some great lines here. If I could make any suggestions they would be these:
L3: I don't know if you need gaping eyes. It has a more interesting read for me without that.
L4-5: I wish you would stay more personal with the me (your specific stresses or ambitions). I find the tone shift a bit jarring as it is.
S2: Love the alliteration and sonics.
I also really like the ending. The main focus for me on revision is the L4-5 tone (could just be my ear, but there it is).
Much enjoyed.
Best,
Todd
Some great lines here. If I could make any suggestions they would be these:
L3: I don't know if you need gaping eyes. It has a more interesting read for me without that.
L4-5: I wish you would stay more personal with the me (your specific stresses or ambitions). I find the tone shift a bit jarring as it is.
S2: Love the alliteration and sonics.
I also really like the ending. The main focus for me on revision is the L4-5 tone (could just be my ear, but there it is).
Much enjoyed.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson