Awakening

[Todd]

Hi Peter,

I like Jill's suggestion a lot. You mention the sun later (exploding even) and that is a good expressive line. You really don't seem to need the afternoon son.

I think you've tightened the poem up and it's coming along well. My only concern with the ending and this may be just me is that it seems too pat. I don't mean this in a bad way but it's a little too movie-of-the-week. You have the cloud of your father's anger and while this event gave a freedom or an epiphany moment its probably going too far from the stated text to say that the life became a dream (which is also done a little much). If I can try rearranging your lines again and take some liberties with them, maybe I can suggest an alternative ending from your own words.

Let's take up the poem from this point for context. How about something like this leaving the speaker with infinite possibilities open to them?

my body playing out some inner wisdom,
knowing it was my time;
offering a brief moment of clarity,
the world below stone silent.

I dropped back to earth,
as the chain net jangled,
alone with the bent metal rim;
its infinite circle beckoning.

Whatever you choose to do, it's been fun working through the revisions with you. It's a good poem.

Best,

Todd