09-08-2011, 08:04 AM
Billy I really love this. I wonder at how you were inspired to write this, but attribute it to an awesome imagination. (I hope you didn't find a dead girl!)
I am not critiquing, but I am gonna vote for Todd's idea about taking the early reference to 'crawling out of her purple mouth' out and waiting to the end to drop the bomb. I mean to suggest leaving the earwig in, but not explaining till the end. The suspense of the poem is already great, but I think drawing it out a little longer might be nice.
Overall, I love it and wish I could write like this. It reminds me of the free way Stephen King writes ficition. And I don't mean that as insult. That's apples to oranges so I hope you get my meaning.
I am not critiquing, but I am gonna vote for Todd's idea about taking the early reference to 'crawling out of her purple mouth' out and waiting to the end to drop the bomb. I mean to suggest leaving the earwig in, but not explaining till the end. The suspense of the poem is already great, but I think drawing it out a little longer might be nice.
Overall, I love it and wish I could write like this. It reminds me of the free way Stephen King writes ficition. And I don't mean that as insult. That's apples to oranges so I hope you get my meaning.