Awakening

[billy]

hi peter,
after a few reads, it get struck by the wasted words. words that don;y add, anything and in some cases detract from making it a more powerful read. i'be made the words i think could be done away with in the body of the poem bold. another thing i noticed was the length of text without periods. where i thin a period would help in allowing the reader to gain his marbles i put a [.] next to your comma

I was the youngest of the players,
shy, and content to give others the stage; [.]
but in the waning days of a long summer,
as the scorching sun dropped
in the afternoon sky,
there came a moment
when I stopped, gathered,
and rose like some god,[.]
high above the outstretched hand
of my defender,
above the asphalt
glittering with diamonds of broken glass,
and the lost dreams of the others,
and the sounds of traffic,
and the cloud of my father’s anger,
and the chaos that was my life;[.]
like a dark fish
singlemindedly tracking
a dragonfly scuttling low
over a silent pond,
breaking from the water,
surprised to find itself exposed,
to a new world,[.]
its brilliant colors exploding in the sun,
my body playing out some inner wisdom,[.]
knowing it was my time;
and there I was,
above it all,
alone with the bent metal rim;
a brief moment of clarity,
the world below, distant.

I released the worn ball,
and dropped back to earth,
surprised at what I had done.

The chain net jangled
as the shot found its way home,[.]
and the sweaty, shirtless,
black kid covering me,
turned away cursing under his breath.

(revision 1 - having pared down the original)

sorry i got here after the revision
at this moment i'm just concentrating on tightness and a little bit of grammar, which isn't a forte of mine for you to consider.

i really like the pride of the poem, the tallness of it grows with each read, the achievement in it is palpable. there's definitely a good poem in there, thanks for the read