09-07-2011, 08:20 AM
Very profound, Jack. The puddles/ocean and the penny motif are really well drawn and woven in nicely. I love the enjambment between S1 and S2, which kind of drops that first line of S2 from the last of S1, tying in with the puddles later.
I wonder if "salt pebbles" might not work a bit better than "pebbles of salt", and I'd suggest "filth-encrusted penny" rather than "penny encrusted with filth", just for economy and also to give you a little more punch from the alliteration/assonance.
All in all though, practically no work is needed here from my point of view.
I wonder if "salt pebbles" might not work a bit better than "pebbles of salt", and I'd suggest "filth-encrusted penny" rather than "penny encrusted with filth", just for economy and also to give you a little more punch from the alliteration/assonance.
All in all though, practically no work is needed here from my point of view.
It could be worse