Awakening

[Todd]

Hi Peter,

So, let's consider your pared down edit. Here are some suggestions (mostly just options and opinions to pare it even further):

I was the youngest of the players,
shy, and content to give others the stage;--don't think you need "shy, and"
but in the waning days of a long summer,--you could cut "a" if you wanted
as the scorching sun dropped
in the afternoon sky,
there came a moment maybe the moment rather than a
when I stopped, gathered,
and rose like some god,--maybe add something like "forgotten" before god
high above the outstretched hand--I would maybe move "high above up a line so that you can have the next three lines hold a similar rhythm
of my defender,
above the asphalt
glittering with diamonds of broken glass,
and the lost dreams of the others,--maybe blend this line with the next one with a slight parallel edit: "broken dreams, the sounds of traffic,"
and the sounds of traffic,
and the cloud of my father’s anger,
and the chaos that was my life;--maybe "in this chaos that was my life"
like a dark fish[b]--really love this
singlemindedly tracking
a dragonfly scuttling low--great image, love scuttling
over a silent pond,
breaking from the water,
surprised to find itself exposed,--I don't think you need surprised. It's a little telling and "its brilliant colors" later sort of show the same idea
to a new world,
its brilliant colors exploding in the sun,--maybe of instead of its
my body playing out some inner wisdom,--great line
knowing it was my time;
and there I was,
above it all,--I don't think you need this or the previous line
alone with the bent metal rim;--love this

Here's where I think you can diverge. I would consider pulling up moments in the following two stanzas and place them under the bent metal rim. Something like maybe (purely optional opinion again) My alterations follow:

alone with the bent metal rim,
the worn ball,
the jangle of the chain net,
as the shot found its way home,
and the sweaty, shirtless,
black kid covering me,
turned away cursing under his breath.

Then maybe reinsert these final two lines.

a brief moment of clarity,
the world below, distant.

Okay so I know I suggested some strong alterations, but I do like the piece, and they are again only meant to be suggestions to consider. Use what you like, ignore the rest.

Best,

Todd